Story recorded by bard Jim Snyder.
Illustrations by artist Paula Martini Javillonar. Instagram: @artandmartini, Twitter: @artandmartini
It was a day when everyone stayed inside. The dead were among the living, more than usual anyway, Mama said. And, it was raining.
Good for business, but I didn’t have anything to do.
“Traveler, could you tell me a story?”
“What kind would you like?”
“A scary story. Do you know any scary stories?”
“I can tell you stories of the most horrible things, of vampires whose heads fly free and chase you at night, of tentacled creatures that eat your brains and live in your empty skull, of nameless gods chained in the darkness between worlds…”
“What’s the SCARIEST story you know?”
“The scariest, my love?” He looked at his hands and frowned.
The clown slumped onstage from the wings, dragging a laugh bladder behind him. One of its bells fell off and hit the wooden slats with a leaden thump.
“I don’t want to be here, but I’m trapped, and so are you.”
He took out a big brass horn from behind his back. The pitted metal was stained green with verdigris; it had a big dull red squeeze bulb on the end. Blaat.
“Nothing happened yesterday, nothing will happen tomorrow. Today will be the same day, just as it is now, forever.”
He dug around in a pocket and pulled out a three-foot long slide whistle. Wheeet-woooot.
The slide fell out and clattered to the floor.
“None of your choices matter. If you walk out that door,” he pointed left with his right hand, “you will come in that door,” he pointed right with his left, “and vice versa in reverse.” He windmilled his arms.
He put the laugh bladder under his armpit. It made a limp farty sound. frrrt.
He took out three bean bags and started a slow, sad cascade. Each bag slowly leaked sand as it arced from hand to hand.
“You will never hear anything new, meet anyone new, think anything new, do anything new, ever again.”
The bags plopped, one by one, to the ground.
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
“The person to your left will ALWAYS be the person to your left. The person to your right will ALWAYS be the person to your right. A dreadful, tedious eternity with…Bob.
“You’re all horrible people, stuck here together, alone.”
He half-heartedly chucked a handful of crumpled confetti into the air and limped offstage.
“Traveler, I don’t understand. That doesn’t sound bad. That just sounds boring.”
The Traveler stared at nothing and shuddered.
Ephemera
Candy Wrappers
These golden candy wrappers are decorated with a floral pattern accented with painted jewels. Don’t worry about the smudges on the inside—it’s definitely chocolate…
Jester's Bedtime Tales 